Normal life or death wish?
by Red.Sargent
Summary: Our RvB friend enjoy their time one Earth for a change! But somehow, Tucker still manages to fuck it up every time.
1. Chapter 1

I think its time that I write something that ISNT creepy or depressing! It seems I need to give Red v Blue some attention =)

Although, I figure, why not do something a bit off? Instead of the Halo universe, why not make them enjoy earth for once?

**I DO NOT OWN RVB OR HALO.**

* * *

"Tucker! Where the hell did you put my boots?"

Tex was running around the appartmen looking for her combat boots. She was, well in her way, getting ready to go out 'with the girls.' See, Tex, Carolina, South, and Sister decided it might be good for them to not be stuck with a bunch of idiot guys for at least one night. So, they were going to the club.

"Why is it that when you lose something, I get blamed?"

"Because I know you used my boots to hit Church earlier for eating the last tequito. Now, where are they?"

"Oh yeah! Check under the tabel or outside in the thorn patch. More likely outside than inside. I threw those boots pretty damn hard."

Tex sighed and went outside looking for her boots. Tucker, however, was laughin.

"Did I say outside, I meant in your room, under the bed."

Church walked in the living room about that time and stared at Tucker.

"Hey buddy! What's with the pissed off look? Did I eat your fucking cookie or something?"

"You know damn well what you did you cock bite! WHERE IS MY COMPUTER?"

Tucker looked like he was thinking and scratched his brown hair.

"That my dear fucktard I do not know. Check outside."

Church scrunched his eyes and gapped his mouth.

"Outside- never mind. You're just a fucking idiot anyways."

Texas walked back in covered in thorns and mud.

"Tucker, WHERE ARE MY FUCKIG BOOTS! You have ten seconds to tell me before I tell Church that you sold his computer."

"You WHAT?"

Tucker stiffened up and looked at his watch.

"Well, look at the time! Tex, your going to be late for your 'girls night'. Remember that you have my number if you girls want a real good time. Sooooo... GOTTAGOBYE!" Tucker shot up and jumped the kitchen counter in attempt to outrun Church. Church, however, failed to mention that the back door was broken and could only be opened from the outside. So Tucker was trapped in the laundry room. Church walked to the laundry room and saw Tucker fighting the door, failing.

"Would right now be a bad time to say I'm sorry? Because I'm sorry... Church, hey put my phone down! No no no NOOOOO~!"

Church dropped Tucker's brand new iPhone 4s and gave it a boot to the screen, shattering it. The distraught owner of said destroyed phone fell to the ground and begged forgiveness.

"Forgive YOU? Tuck, all you have done since you moved in was sell my shit and hide Tex's shit! By the way, Tex did you look under your bed? That where I normally find my stuff."

Tex smaked her forehead and bolted to her room, instantly finding her missing boot. Finally ready, she flipped off Tucker and threw a glass at him, nailing his nose.

"Don't expect me homeuntil tomorrow. I'll be staying at Lina's house until I sober up." And off she left.

Church looked at Tucker and smiled an evil smile.

"Now, let's see how long it takes you to yell unc-"

"UNCLE!"

...

Texas made it to the club just as Carolina and Sister drove up. She could hear telling before either dooropened.

"I don't give two flying fucks about your ping pong ball trick! Save it for the fucking idiots inside." Carolina slammed her door and walked over to Texas. "Can we PLEASE lock the tramp in the trunk?"

"HEY! I may be a tramp, but at least I know how to have fun. Now, who has Tucker's number?"

Texas grabed Sister's ear and dragged her to the door.

"Mention his name one more time, and your head is going in the sewer drain."

It was right at that time that South came speeding up and drifting into a parallel parking spot. It was obvious she was pissed.

"The next time I see North, I'm tearing off his balls! That fucker hid my car keys and wallet do I couldn't go outtonight! I've got to move out o his fucking apartment..."

All four women walked into the club, instantly feeling the night was about to awesome. The club they were at was called Gravity Hammer, the top rated club in the area. See, this club was a normal club but with better music, strobe lights, bigger bar and drink selection and three levels of fucking awesome.

"Who's ready for tequila shots?"

...

North walked into Church's and Tucker's apartment and instantly noticed something was off.

"Church, Tuck? Hello~?"

"LAUNDRY ROOM!" Tucker yelled, followed by the slamming of the dryer door.

North went to the laundry room only to see Church on the dryer.

"Where's Tucker? I thought he was in here?"

"Oh, he is. I'm waiting for the press cycle to finish."

North's eyes bulged out of his face and he pushed Church off the dryer and opened the door only to have Tucker fly out a sweaty mess.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

Church was laughing so hard he couldn't breath. When he finally caught his breath he looked at Tucker and simply said: "What do you think I was trying to do to you? FUCKING KILL YOU! HAAHAHAHA!"

North raised a brow at Church and decided not to question the situation.

"Alright, you two, kiss and make up 'cause WE are about to throw a poker party."

Tucker looked at North. "Alright!"

"And who said we can have one AT MY PLACE?!"

"Me, because Wash and York are coming and I'd rather they not know where I live."

"Fare enough."

...

Club Gravity Hammer was pack full of dancers and people looking for a good time. The old man behind the counter kept giving Tex the stink eye. He didnt like it when she called him Sarge. Sarge's helper lackey, Griff, was doing absolutely nothing to help. He mainly just took his fare hate of alcohol and pretzels.

"Griff, get yer fat ass over here and stir, not shake, these Martinies! And DON'T FORGET THE OLIVE!"

"On it, sir." Griff shook, not stired, the martinies and served them to South and some other chick. He clicked his collar radio. "Hey, Simons, we have a group of hot chicks. Like hotter than other hot chicks. After this crap song ends, turndown everything but the base and let it blow!"

"Dubstep? Hmm, ok. But I'm not playing Skrillix. Excision needs to base time."

"Just play the damn music!"

It wasn't 30 seconds later that the room started to vibrate with loud thumps of Dubstep. Sister and South were two people very familiar with that kind of music an thrived off of it. Both imidiatly jumped up and started to dance. Tex and Carolina, though enjoying the music, thought the dancing looked like everyone was have a seizure or a stroke. Either way, it was repulsive, but cool. Simons played with the base levels every so often and Griff was getting a nice show of girls dancing.

An empty vodka bottle nailed Griff in the head.

"Griff, what did I tell you about slacking?!"

"You told me a lot of stuff that I clearly don't remember. Try again later, would ya? I'm busy."

It was then that the club owner came in, dressed in a rather 'pink' suit with a white undershirt. He walled up to Griff and patted him on the back.

"Hey buddy! How's the night going so far?"

"Don't touch me, Pinky Boy-"

"Lightish red-"

"Whatever. Anyways, nights good so far, hot girls dancing, and out of vodka. Say, Donut, have you ever considered hiring cage dancers? I think that would pretty sweet!"

Donut scoffed as shook his head.

"Hire MORE people? Let alone people who dance in cages? I think not. This is a club, not a strip joint."

"Please, have you SEEN half the clothes girls wear in this place? It's already a strip club!"

"Hey! I find the clothing that females wear in my club to be very fashion forward! I could do without sparkles though..."

Sarge walked up and put a hand on Donuts shoulder.

"Son, I have no hope for you... May god rest your sad, sad soul..."

Back over with the girls, Tex had just finished her fourth round of tequilla shots and Third beer. She was feeling a but tipsy but enjoyed her night. Sister and South and finished dancing and were both hitting on the DJ, Simons. Carolina was the designated driver and drank water, keeping a close eye on the two idiots, knowing very well they would cause trouble.

"So, Car, enjoying you night?" Texas had asked,tracking a sip of her fourth Heinekeine.

"Enjoying my alcohol free night Which includes babysitting two dumbasses? What do you think?"

"Good, because I think your night is about to perk up by 100 fold. See the guy over by the bar? The blonde one. He's been eyeing you for the past 10 minutes."

Carolina turned to see a guy on the bar stool, who in fact was lookiHerat her, smiling and motioning her to take that empty seat next to him. His smile was even welcoming, but it was the blue eyes that made Carolina give in. She was a sucker for blonde haired, blue eyed, tanned skin, muscular- You get the point.

"I'll watch the kids. Go have some fun! GET HIS NUMBER!"

Texas doubt Carolina herd the last part, she was already next to the guy in meer seconds.

...

"FULL HOUSE BITCHES!"

Tucker slammed his cards on th table with a triumphed smile. He had won the past six rounds. He was good.

To good.

"Alright, where are they? Show me you hidden cards!" York stood up and walked over behind Tucker, circling him like a shark.

"What are you talking about? I don't cheat! Well, except on girls, but that's not the point."

Washington took a swig of his beer and watched the two men argue.

"I don't see what the big deal is. It's only poker chips."

Wyoming nodded and looked at Church.

"Agreed, but I do feel sorry for Church for having to live with this bafoon."

There was a knock on the door.

"Alright, NO MORE PEOPLE!" Church ran to the door and opened it. "WHAT THE HE- oh, hey Doc. What the hell are you doing here? I thought you left for Canada or something."

"Cambodia, and I just came back an hour ago. Turns out they didn't want me help out in the hospitals or even touch a needle. Something about the color purple made them uneasy."

"Are you sure it wasn't your split personality?" Tucker got out before York took him to the ground, literally about to strip him looking for his cheatting deck.

"Hey I've been good at keeping O'Malley in check! I've gone seven weeks thank you very much! **Doubt me and I'll cut out your tongue with a linoleum knife.**" Doc had an evil grin on his face and took a seat happily next to Wyoming.

Wyoming looked at the man and sighed. "Make that zero weeks."

"**How about never. Poor chap doesn't know I'm out to play while he sleeps, hehehe. He still doesn't know how he got the speeding ticket in Georgia two years ago. Or how he broke his leg five months ago. Honestly, this man is an idiot.**"

The group finally settled down and York gave Tucker his pant back after he found the cheat cards Tucker had hidden very well. There really was no need for York to be THAT thurough. The game continued and Doc/O'Malley joined the fun and cleaned everyone dry. It was a rather uneventuful night in all. The men eventually grew bored and all left their own ways. Especially Tucker who had a plan of his own.

"Hey Church, I'll be out for a while. Figured I hit the bar and maybe pick up a chick or two!"

"Yeah good luck with that, Tuck. Now leave so I can sleep."

Tucker left with a bag with cloths, eye contacts, a wig, and one destination in mind.

'Here I come, Gravity Hammer!'

When he got there, Tucker quickly found the bathroom and assembled his disguise. Blonde wig was on, blue contacts in, jeans with frays and some small holes, and a simple white button up shirt with the top four buttons undon.

'Lets see who I ca- hello! Red hair, serious face. That's Lina. Come to Papa! Hey she's actually coming towards me! Hell yeah man, fools gold!'

Carolina in fact did sit right next to Tucker. At a far off distance, there was no doubt it was just a hot guy checking of the crowed, but as she got closer, small similarities of Tucker showed up; his posture, that awkward 'come here' look, that one missing tooth...

'Oh, I am so having fun with you, Tucker.'

Tucker ordered him and Carolina drinks and turned his stool to face her directly.

"you come here often, sweet thing?" Tucker ashes in a horribly disguised voice.

"No, first time." Carolina said, playing along. "I am here with my friends just looking to let loose!"

Tucker chugged his drink and grinned widely, showing off his missing tooth.

"I can help with that! I am ALL about letting loose. In more ways than one." he winked.

'Gross...' "You sound like a fun guy. You know what? Next drinks on me! HEY BARKEEP! SIX JEGGARBOMBS!" Carolina yelled at Griff who in turn flipped her off, but made the order since it was his job. But it was just all fun and games for Carolina. She planned on getting Tucker waisted and having him embarrass himself in front of the whole club. All the drinks she's going to order, are all for Tucker.

"So what your name?" Carolina asked, playing Tucker's game.

"Uh, my name is, uh, Tristan! Yeah, Tristan."

'Really?' "Nice name. You can call me Lina."

"Well I'm hoping by the end of this night to call you something else, babe." Tucker said with a wink.

'Thats just wrong...'

...

I think that's enough for one chapter. I'd say expect no more than two more from this story. I originally wanted this to be a one shot but I figured, eh, why not expand?

Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

And now I give you Part Two! Enjoy!

* * *

Tucker woke with a pounding in his head. What the hell happened last night? The last thing he remembered was Carolina ordering Jeggarbombs and betting he couldn't chug all six in one minute. He did. Everything after was either fuzzy or just blank out of his mind. He crawled out of bed and drug his feet to the kitchen. Never has Tucker had a hangover this massive. Seriously, what the hell happened to him?

There was booming laughter coming from the living room. It sounded like Church and Texas. What the hell was so funny?

...

Carolina sat comfortably in the recliner as Church watched the video of Tucker at the club. Texas enjoyed seeing it for the umpteenth time. Once in person.

"I can't believe you got him that drunk!" Church had to close the laptop an catch his breath. What he just saw could now never be unseen. His friend, roommate, and now main source of entertainment, was going to never live this down.

"You should have been there in person-!"

"What's so funny?" Tucker said, brushing his messy hair out of his flushed face. Three aspirin and a cup of water eased his throbbing migraine.

Carolina smiled and met Tucker over where he stood.

"Good morning, 'Tristan', how are you faring after partying so hard last night?" She was obviously playing with him. She knew very well he had to be miserable after how much he drank. After the Jeggarbombs, he downed three beers, four tequila shots, seven blue moons, and at least half a bottle of rum.

"Ha ha, you're funny, Lina. What the hell happened? All I remember is the Jeggarbombs..."

Texas laughed and opened the laptop.

"Just watch this and it should be pretty clear what went down at the club..."

...

**FLASHBACK**

...

"Hey, Lina, whadya say we hit my place af'er one 'ore beer."

Carolina smiled but groaned inwardly as Tucker ordered yet another round of beer. In all honesty, Carolina had yet to have a sip of alcohol. Ticker had drank every drop ordered the past hour. He had entered the city limits of Plasterville long ago. Also he wouldn't stop asking Carolina to go home with him. Something about 'making his sword glow in the dark.'

"I have a better idea. Why don't you... Dance on the bar."

Carolina picked her words carefully. She took out her phone and had it on standby. She knew it was only a matter of time.

"Sounds fun!"

Tucker tried to get up in the bar but fell to the ground. Not quite what she expected, but entertaining none the less. He stumbled back to his feet, using the bar stools for leverage and giggled like an idiot.

"What's so funny?" Carolina said, pressing record on her phone.

Tucker simply laughed and said the following:

"I am here to answer the age ol' question... Does the pope poop in the woods?"

'... Really? Is this all I'm getting from him?' Carolina thought, letting her phone record what's going on.

Tucker suddenly became emotional and started to cry. People around him became uncomfortable and moved to avoid any contact with him. His crys became sobs and soon, even Carolina became uncomfortable, but refused to leave until shot got some dirt on Tucker.

"Tuck-Tristan, what's wrong?"

Tucker bawled and slammed his head against the bar counter before looking at Carolina with a tear soaked face.

"Leave Slender alone! He's just a human... With no f-face!"

"Leave who? Wha- never mind..."

It was about that time when Texas walked up to investigate the situation. Right as she walked up, Tucker looked at Tex and stopped crying. He smiled at her and stood as best he could.

"Hey, Lina, we need to go. Sister and South decided it would be fun to having a marshmallow eating contest. The downside was they couldn't find marshmallows... So they used bananas."

"You could have a' contes' with my banana any day, sexy Texy." Tucker said while attempting to wink.

Before Tex could think of a reply, Simons came flying through the air and a crowed of people started to run do the doors. There could only be one explanation.

Donut ran and dove behind the bar crying.

"Make the crazy lady go away!"

South was on a drunk rampage and stormed through a crowed of people to get over to where Donut was hiding.

"C'mon girly! Let's dance!"

Tucker looked at South and he grew the biggest smile ever.

"Hey, babe, why don' ya sit on ma lap and we can talk 'bout the first thin' that pops up?"

South looked at Tucker and smiled... Before pinching him square in the face. Not hard enough to cause any noticeable damage, but enough to shock him. He recovered and laughed.

"Y-you hit like a girl!"

South grunted and attempted to pick Tucker up and throw him, but collapsed to the ground, blacking out. Sarge marched over to see a girl passed out on the ground.

"What 'n tarnasion? Griff! I'm just gonna pin this on you if the cops ask anythin'!"

Griff just shrugged and continued to look at the newest issue of Grunts Weekly. Tucker perched himself against the bar and huffed.

"Ye'know, this whole thin' could have been avoided if we listened to Al Gore!" he said, throwing his hands in the air, then falling down in a drunken comatose.

Carolina turned off her phone and slipped it into her pocket. There had to be more than enough to blackmail Tucker with later...

...

**FLASHBACK END**

...

Tucker calmly closed the computer and looked about the room, giving a calm glare at each and every person in said vicinity. How did his plan of ruining the girls night out completely backfire on him?

"Well, 'Tristan', I do think it is safe to say that maybe next time, your ass will stay home when told to."

Carolina looked at Tucker, giving him a calm stair, but it was obvious that we words had a deeper, much darker meaning. Almost a threat. Tucker stretched and looked for an exit. He had a plan...

"I do think it's time for me to..." he grabed the computer and sprinted for the door, "DESTROY ALL EVIDENCE!"

Texas and Carolina ran after Tucker. They had to give him some credit, that man could run... Fast, and he had great stamina for how long he managed to stay out of their reach. For it wasn't until the three were way past the six blocks away from home that Texas tackled Tucker. Carolina managed to tear the computer out of his hands and get a head start back home.

Church sat down and waited for everyone to return. He gave a sigh and took a drink of his coffee.

"Y'know, I don't think I would have my life any other-" his monologue was interrupted when a rock flew through his window, shattering it and a very expensive glass vase his mother gave him or Christmas.

...

"TUUUUUCKERRRRR!"

* * *

Das End!

I hope you enjoyed this wonderful two-shot! I sure had a blast writing it and I thank anyone who reviewed after I posted the first part. Thanks for reading!

Review?

And feel free to browse my other stories I have posted!


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